I remember where I was when, in the spring of 2000, I saw the first poster for "God's Army," the first in a recent wave (my brother would kill me if I didn't recognize that there were many more years ago) of theatrical movies by Mormons, about Mormons, and for Mormons. I've gone out of my way to see as many of these films as possible, given the fact that I live on the East Coast and many of these movies don't make it out here. But I've seen enough that, in my mind, I have created somewhat of a hierarchy of which ones I like best and why. So here it is, folks: my ranking, with brief commentary, of all the modern Mormon movies (church-produced tofu like "Legacy" and "The Testaments" don't count--don't get me started on those) that I have seen to date.

1. "Charly"
Based on the sappy book by Jack Weyland (yes, I've actually read it, AND its less-sappy-but-more-misogynistic sequel "Sam"), this movie is about what happens when you put an impulsive native New Yorker together with a blind-faith Utah Mormon. Answer: he converts her, then she converts him. Although Jeremy Elliott as Sam is pretty wooden, I suppose Sam is a pretty wooden character. A fabulous adaptation of the book, leaving out all the unnecessary fluff, and getting right down to the situations that make Sam decide whether he truly believes in the Atonement and in eternal marriage. Having lived a life much more like Sam's than like Charly's, it is truly moving to see a character unexpectedly go through sincere crises of faith and come out on top.

2. "Brigham City"
I haven't seen it since it came out in early 2001, but I still feel the impact it made on my life. A fictitious small Utah town (coincidentally with the same name as a real small Utah town) is beset by a mass murderer. The sherriff/bishop has the job of tracking him down while maintaining control of the ward. People gasped that someone would make a PG-13 Mormon movie, and it is indeed a little violent and substantially more disturbing. But no sacrament meeting talk, Sunday School lesson, or quite possibly even General Conference address has made me stop to evaluate how Jesus Christ's sacrifice applies to people--to me--on a personal level, and how forgiveness for anything is possible. Most of the movie is just average, but the final scene, set in a sacrament meeting of all places, will be with me forever.

3. "The RM"
Big gap between #2 and #3. After "The Singles Ward," I thought there wasn't a Mormon foible that was left to be made fun of, but they found a few more--Relief Society centerpieces, big families, wedding receptions on a basketball court. The value here is from screwball comedy, not from inspiration by any means. All fluff and no substance is fun to watch, but forgettable.

4. "God's Army"
The movement might not have caught on if this movie weren't good, and it was good enough to inspire a bunch of mixed progeny. The missionary moments recalled my own proselyting days, and the priesthood blessing scene did make me re-evaluate my own testimony (in the sense that I realized I didn't believe as strongly as I should, and then began to work to believe more). Inspirational, entertaining, and only somewhat spoiled by a maudlin ending.

5. "The Other Side of Heaven"
If movies were food, this would be mayonnaise. A little flavor, but you can't quite tell what it is; mostly smooth and creamy and blah. A missionary goes out to Tonga to teach some people some stuff. He braves waves, rats, and native come-ons for the principles he believes in. But what those principles are, and what it is he teaches are strangely never mentioned. I left the movie thinking, "So what?" A waste of Anne Hathaway, who will play Shelly in the movie version of our lives.

6. "The Singles Ward"
The favorite of many, it gets worse with each viewing and with each time I think about it. It's always nice when a movie takes a joke and beats it and beats it and beats it and beats it to death. Hey! Mormons have funny quirks! Pointless/shameless celebrity cameos make it even more amateurish than it started. And how do they get from Rock Canyon in Provo to the Salt Lake airport in ten minutes? This movie is utter gibberish to anyone not from Utah; how could you think your audience is THAT dumb?

7. "Out of Step"
Speaking of people outside of Utah, it's clear that no one associated with this movie has ever set foot outside of Utah. It's a promising idea--the Mormon/non-Mormon love triangle in the big city. But both the Mormon and non-Mormon characters are created unrealistically, even more so than the Mormon singles scene in New York (our heroine stumbles into a Mormon boy and exclaims, "I didn't know there were any other Mormons out here!"--There are THREE huge singles wards, you idiot!). Full of potential, but a stupid movie.

8. "The Book of Mormon Movie: Please Don't Let There Be More Than Vol. I"
I'm not even sure this one was full of potential. Sure, a movie adaptation of the Book of Mormon was going to happen sooner or later, but did it have to be by whoever the heck it was who made this crap? And will somebody please stop them before they do it again? The acting really wasn't that bad, given the slop they were given to work with by the screenwriters. The costumes look like they were rented from a hokey costume shop (I wanted to yank Lehi's fake beard every time I saw him), and it's as though Arnold Friberg were the art director for the production. Am I the only person who doesn't think Nephi was a brown-haired stud with a headband, wristbands, and no shirt? Just like in the book, Sam isn't given anything at all to do.