Friday, December 17, 2004
Apprentice
I watched the finale of "The Apprentice" last night (at the friends' house where Shelly and I have watched a few episodes during the season). After the first episode, I blogged that I thought this show was pretty darn stupid. I stand by my opinion. Here are my suggestions for making The Apprentice 3 even better:
* No one will be fired. When you get eliminated from the competition to become the Apprentice, you get hired as one of Trump's groupies. It's a position similar to George and Carolyn's, except instead of stone-facedly frowning constantly, you're required to scream and get excited every time Trump enters the room.
* A soft glow will be digitally added around Trump's person at all times.
* If people are going to be taking off their pants, we might as well give them attractive pants to take off. Standard issue uniforms, including underwear. Skimpy tops for the ladies and muscle shirts for the guys. After all, this thing's gotta compete with that NEW reality show, "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search."
* Each chair in the Board Room is electrified. When you say something Trump doesn't like, he pushes a button and ZAP!
* If one team gets a reward, the other team should get a punishment as well as a trip to the Board Room: Cleaning Tony Bennett's toilet, chipping off Carolyn's scowl, polishing Trump's shoes with your tongue while fanning him with palm leaves...
* An individual's win-loss record on projects can be altered (say, change it from 6-4 to 7-3) by 20 or more uses of the terms "step up," "take initiative," and "drive" (as a noun) in one episode.
* On Thanksgiving Day, we'll have a Very Special Episode, where everyone in the Board Room has to say something nice about everyone else. On second thought, nah...
* One contestant will not speak any English whatsoever.
* Dating among contestants is encouraged.
* When someone gets into trouble in the Board Room, they have three lifelines: They can "eliminate" one other person so that their comments are all disregarded, they can stop the yelling and ask George and Carolyn what they should say, or they can phone one of Trump's "Good Friends" like Rudy Giuliani, David Stern, or Regis Philbin to get a recommendation.
* No Harvard grads.
* Trump will always be addressed as "Your Most Eminent Magnificence."
* Each week, there are items strewn about on the Board Room table. The first week it's Nerf bats. At the end, it's nunchuks.
* No one will be fired. When you get eliminated from the competition to become the Apprentice, you get hired as one of Trump's groupies. It's a position similar to George and Carolyn's, except instead of stone-facedly frowning constantly, you're required to scream and get excited every time Trump enters the room.
* A soft glow will be digitally added around Trump's person at all times.
* If people are going to be taking off their pants, we might as well give them attractive pants to take off. Standard issue uniforms, including underwear. Skimpy tops for the ladies and muscle shirts for the guys. After all, this thing's gotta compete with that NEW reality show, "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search."
* Each chair in the Board Room is electrified. When you say something Trump doesn't like, he pushes a button and ZAP!
* If one team gets a reward, the other team should get a punishment as well as a trip to the Board Room: Cleaning Tony Bennett's toilet, chipping off Carolyn's scowl, polishing Trump's shoes with your tongue while fanning him with palm leaves...
* An individual's win-loss record on projects can be altered (say, change it from 6-4 to 7-3) by 20 or more uses of the terms "step up," "take initiative," and "drive" (as a noun) in one episode.
* On Thanksgiving Day, we'll have a Very Special Episode, where everyone in the Board Room has to say something nice about everyone else. On second thought, nah...
* One contestant will not speak any English whatsoever.
* Dating among contestants is encouraged.
* When someone gets into trouble in the Board Room, they have three lifelines: They can "eliminate" one other person so that their comments are all disregarded, they can stop the yelling and ask George and Carolyn what they should say, or they can phone one of Trump's "Good Friends" like Rudy Giuliani, David Stern, or Regis Philbin to get a recommendation.
* No Harvard grads.
* Trump will always be addressed as "Your Most Eminent Magnificence."
* Each week, there are items strewn about on the Board Room table. The first week it's Nerf bats. At the end, it's nunchuks.
Comments:
I have one more eyebrow to raise at "The Apprentice" that I couldn't get in as part of this post. Trump over and over emphasized that there were over a million applicants for this "job." I really doubt that.
The US Census estimates that as of July 1, 2003, there were just over 82 million people living in the US between the ages of 20 and 39. (I'm assuming that very few people outside that age range would have applied.)
Does Trump really expect us to believe that one out of every 82 people between 20 and 39 sent in an application to "The Apprentice"? One in eighty-two? 1.2 percent? Including all social classes and education levels? I don't believe that for a second.
The US Census estimates that as of July 1, 2003, there were just over 82 million people living in the US between the ages of 20 and 39. (I'm assuming that very few people outside that age range would have applied.)
Does Trump really expect us to believe that one out of every 82 people between 20 and 39 sent in an application to "The Apprentice"? One in eighty-two? 1.2 percent? Including all social classes and education levels? I don't believe that for a second.
Good ol' Donald will need to be an applicant soon. The best line that somebody could give after being fired by Trump would have to be something related to Trump's recurring bankruptcies. People have precious material right in front of them and it's not being used or NBC is censoring it pretty tightly.
Oh yeah. With Donald as Executive Producer of this show, it's obvious that the real reason for its existence is to glorify Trump. I mean, how much did he pay those 10-year-old kids in the finale to chase after his golf cart, screaming as if he were a rock star? There's no way in Hades any negative comment about Trump is making it through the editing room.
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