I finally finished Homer's "The Iliad" on audiobook--it only took a couple of months. I guess I was somewhat disappointed with it, though I'm glad I know more about it for cultural purposes. I didn't and don't want to go into the deep themes on a very serious level--I was just looking for a fun story to listen to on my way to and from school.

The thing that surprised me most about the work, not knowing anything about it beforehand except that it chronicled the Trojan War, is that it leaves all the exciting stuff out. It's only a snippet of the actual war--a couple of weeks in an eleven-year siege. We don't get to see Helen being stolen. We don't get so see Menelaeus's anger and vow for revenge. In fact, Helen as the purpose for the war is barely mentioned--she's a very minor afterthought, and is often portrayed as being on the side of the Trojans who kidnapped her. Worst of all, there's no Trojan Horse. That happens after "The Iliad" ends. I guess a more educated person would have known that, but I didn't, and was therefore disappointed.

Second only to the No Horse Disappointment was the disappointment in learning that Achilles is a prick. He's celebrated as the greatest thing to happen to ancient Greece since Aphrodite sailed up on that clamshell. But I found him to be sulky, callous, rude, grudge-holding, and lacking in personal responsibility.

A while back, I wrote a post about Mr. Darcy from "Pride and Prejudice" and wondered how girls seem to like him when he's such a jerk all the time. Well, I guess I don't see a lot of girls these days swooning over Achilles, but I bet they've done so over the centuries, and he's certainly in the cultural consciousness as a "good guy."

The only thing that matters to Achilles is his personal honor. In some materials I read on the web about him, this trait is portrayed as a strength--he's the pure Greek, concerned only with valor and human beauty and goodness. Maybe ancient Greeks liked that kind of stuff, but in today's society it'll get you nowhere. In a nutshell, Achilles spends the majority of the book sulking in his room because Agammemnon took away one of his concubines. While all the other Greeks are fighting and dying, Achilles is pouting--even when they apologize and offer him a whole bunch of women and gold. Eventually, Achilles sends his best friend (lover?) Petroclus into battle in his armor, and then spends the rest of the book pouting because he gets killed. Hello, Achilles: if you don't want your buddy to get killed, maybe you should go fight alongside him.

I don't want my daughters dating Darcy. But Achilles is even worse. It's all me me me. At least Darcy is nice when it serves his interests to be. Achilles is never nice, never thinks about anyone but himself (even when Petroclus dies, he's more concerned about being alone than about the pain his friend suffered). He's a bad role model, and a bad hero. Another disappointment is that "The Iliad" doesn't cover Achilles's famed death-by-arrow-in-the-heel. I would have enjoyed that scene. The self-centered sissy crybaby* gets his in the end via a wound that would only make most people wince. Ha ha ha.

Of course, none of this is going to stop me from some day naming a dog Achilles. ("Achilles! Heel!")

* Am I the first person to call the hero of the Trojan War a "sissy crybaby"? Part of me hopes so. But another part of me hopes that I'm not the only one who figured it out.