I am very glad that I watched "The Prince and Me" on DVD yesterday. Shelly checked it out at the library, knowing that I really didn't want to watch it with her. But I did, and I couldn't be happier. I've been thinking about the movie ever since. It's such an incredibly bad, bad, bad movie on so many levels, it gives one a lot to think about. It would be a shame to miss this opportunity to learn what level of crap Hollywood is capable of producing.

In case you haven't seen it, the basic plot is this: The prince of Denmark (Eddie) comes to the University of Wisconsin to "find himself" and skank on easy American women, and he meets uptight pre-med student Paige. They fall in love, go to Denmark, and make preparations to be the king and queen. Ahh.

I should start by saying that Julia Stiles, the star of the show, is just about my least favorite person in Hollywood. I read a lot of reviews of this movie after the fact, and I was quite surprised that, though nearly everyone agreed that the movie wasn't worth a cow's cud, Julia Stiles is "an intelligent actress." Whatever. She shows as much emotion as, well, as a cow's cud. She's not just not attractive; she's downright ugly. And though the DVD extras showed the director claiming that when she smiles, it lights up the room, it seemed to me more like her stone face was about to shatter. I could go the rest of my life without seeing another Julia Stiles vehicle and be far happier than if I saw one.

But the real problem with the movie isn't the bad acting. It's the script and direction. That's why I'm so glad I saw it. Having seen "The Prince and Me," I now have a tidy little checklist of every hackneyed cliche that could ever appear in a movie. Need a movie with an uptight character and a carefree character who rub off on each other? Check. Want a story where people who start out hating each other fall in love simply because the script calls for it? Check. Want a movie where the couple breaks up and then gets back together in a public place? Check and check (it happens not once, but TWICE in this movie).

What killed me the most is that the DVD extras interviewed, among other people, the screenwriters (all three of them). The head writer went on and on about how she went to Europe to interview royalty and people who worked with royalty, and people who had dated royalty, and whatnot. She made it sound like she knew everything about royalty, and it was very important to make this movie realistic. Well, I can't think of one thing I learned about royalty by watching the movie that I didn't know before, but I did spy quite a few things that the writer should have spent her time learning, if realism was her goal. Besides all the ridiculous plot contrivances and characters who change their fundamental personalities for no apparent reason, here are some basic facts that the writers should have been aware of in creating this movie.

* In Denmark, people speak Danish. Those Danes who happen to also speak English (and I'll grant that the royal family probably does) do it with a Danish--not a British--accent. But they certainly don't conduct official government business in English.

* In Wisconsin, Thanksgiving weekend is cold and snowy. They don't go out and race lawnmowers in their shirtsleeves in late November.

* In Denmark, December and January are cold and snowy. It's not bright and sunny, there are no leafy trees and flowers, and certainly no (badly digitally animated) butterflies.

* You can't decide to apply to the University of Wisconsin the day before classes start and get in.

* What's more, once you're in, freshmen can't take upper-level pre-med chemistry courses.

* No one is stupid enough to believe that "Williams" is an appropriate last name for a Danish exchange student.

* Promiscuous playboys hit on ALL the women, ALL the time. Not exclusively on the first one they meet.

* Julia Stiles does NOT have a "good figure," as the royal dressmaker claims she does.

* No one is stupid enough to think that when the royal maid in the palace of the king of Denmark asks, "Coffee?" she's offering to tell you where the nearest Starbucks is. In Copenhagen.

* If you've got a royal servant who irons your underwear, his job description probably also includes putting the clothes in the washing machine.

Oh, I could go on and on, but this post is long enough. I highly recommend seeing "The Prince and Me." You'll get so angry along the way you'll want to throw the DVD player across the room. You can take out all your frustrations about why Hollywood is everything wrong with society. And maybe you'll decide to join with me in making sure Julia Stiles never makes another movie.