Wednesday, May 18, 2005
What I Want From Episode III
Tomorrow is the big day. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith opens and the six-movie saga finally ends. I don't have opening day tickets, but like the rest of the civilized world, I'll make my way to a movie theater for the first time since Thanksgiving weekend sometime in the next month or so (Shelly's cute assertions that she was too turned off by Episodes I and II notwithstanding). I've read some of the reviews, most of which say it's pretty good, despite the trademark stilted dialogue. There's a lot riding on this movie: closure, redemption of the franchise, tying up of loose ends, etc. So here's my list of things I expect from Episode III, some more serious than others:
* Why did Qui-Gon and Anakin not disappear when they died, whereas Yoda and Obi-Wan did?
* Jar Jar Binks must die, and gruesomely (if you're going to get a PG-13 rating, put it to good use, I say!).
* Yoda needs to reestablish that he is the studliest Jedi in the galaxy. Sure, it was way cool last time when he broke out his light-saber, but did anyone else notice that Yoda, the virtual incarnation of the Force, LOST the fight? If he goes one on one with anyone this time, I want him to win and win big, slicing his opponent in two and then standing over the lifeless body, saying, "Finished are you." (Sadly, the reports I'm getting are that Anakin and Obi-Wan take on Count Dooku (the expendable evil guy who's not around come Episode IV) and Yoda fights Palpatine (who we know doesn't die till Episode VI). Sigh.)
* They say Chewbacca's in this one. He and Obi-Wan had better not meet, or even learn of each other's existence. They are complete strangers in the Mos Eisley cantina in Episode IV. (And why do we need Chewie individually? Isn't a trip to Kashyyk good enough?)
* Why not have a five-year-old Han Solo pop in, just to say hi?
* I know Anakin's going to go on a Jedi-killing rampage, but wouldn't it be cooler (and more appropriate) for Boba Fett to kill Mace Windu? "Hello. My name is Boba Fett. You killed my father. Prepare to die!" (After all, Boba--for all his reputation as a mean dude--hasn't ever done anything meaner than freeze Han Solo in carbonite.)
* What the crap are mitichlorians?
* For that matter, what's a Sith? Is it just a Jedi gone bad, or do they have separate training facilities where they're raised up evil?
* That Wookiee army on the trailer had better kick butt.
* If Jedis are so cool, how come they keep dying in this movie?
* How does Anakin choose the title "Darth Vader" when there are so many other possible names that have more implicit evilness in them, like "Sidious" and "Maul" and "Tyrannus"? I mean, "Vader" sounds like "elevator."
* Is there a thing between Obi-Wan and Padme? If not, why not?
* Please explain Anakin's virgin birth.
* Speaking of birth, rumors are that Padme dies in childbirth. The reviews say Anakin dreams she will, at least. But Leia remembers her brushing her hair and being sad and stuff. If you kill her off before Leia is at least three years old, you've messed everything up.
* That said, I want to see how she dies.
* Is Yoda a unique individual, or a member of a species? Does he have a home planet? (I seem to remember fleeting glimpses of another Yoda-looking character in the Jedi Councils in the earlier films, but I need more reassurance than that.)
* If you can use the Force to shoot lightning out of your fingers, why do most Jedis rely on the shorter-distance light saber?
* Why don't Yoda and Obi-Wan go into hiding together? Does Yoda just LIKE swamps that much? Did they have a spat?
* If C-3PO and R2-D2 don't get brainwashed or memory-deleted or something somehow, I'm going to scream. They don't remember knowing Darth Vader when he was a kid in the later movies. I never really bought that whole Anakin-built-3PO thing anyway.
* Most importantly, knowing all we know about how this is all going to end up, can Lucas pull any actual SURPRISES in terms of plotting? I doubt it. But I'm going to go find out anyway.
* Why did Qui-Gon and Anakin not disappear when they died, whereas Yoda and Obi-Wan did?
* Jar Jar Binks must die, and gruesomely (if you're going to get a PG-13 rating, put it to good use, I say!).
* Yoda needs to reestablish that he is the studliest Jedi in the galaxy. Sure, it was way cool last time when he broke out his light-saber, but did anyone else notice that Yoda, the virtual incarnation of the Force, LOST the fight? If he goes one on one with anyone this time, I want him to win and win big, slicing his opponent in two and then standing over the lifeless body, saying, "Finished are you." (Sadly, the reports I'm getting are that Anakin and Obi-Wan take on Count Dooku (the expendable evil guy who's not around come Episode IV) and Yoda fights Palpatine (who we know doesn't die till Episode VI). Sigh.)
* They say Chewbacca's in this one. He and Obi-Wan had better not meet, or even learn of each other's existence. They are complete strangers in the Mos Eisley cantina in Episode IV. (And why do we need Chewie individually? Isn't a trip to Kashyyk good enough?)
* Why not have a five-year-old Han Solo pop in, just to say hi?
* I know Anakin's going to go on a Jedi-killing rampage, but wouldn't it be cooler (and more appropriate) for Boba Fett to kill Mace Windu? "Hello. My name is Boba Fett. You killed my father. Prepare to die!" (After all, Boba--for all his reputation as a mean dude--hasn't ever done anything meaner than freeze Han Solo in carbonite.)
* What the crap are mitichlorians?
* For that matter, what's a Sith? Is it just a Jedi gone bad, or do they have separate training facilities where they're raised up evil?
* That Wookiee army on the trailer had better kick butt.
* If Jedis are so cool, how come they keep dying in this movie?
* How does Anakin choose the title "Darth Vader" when there are so many other possible names that have more implicit evilness in them, like "Sidious" and "Maul" and "Tyrannus"? I mean, "Vader" sounds like "elevator."
* Is there a thing between Obi-Wan and Padme? If not, why not?
* Please explain Anakin's virgin birth.
* Speaking of birth, rumors are that Padme dies in childbirth. The reviews say Anakin dreams she will, at least. But Leia remembers her brushing her hair and being sad and stuff. If you kill her off before Leia is at least three years old, you've messed everything up.
* That said, I want to see how she dies.
* Is Yoda a unique individual, or a member of a species? Does he have a home planet? (I seem to remember fleeting glimpses of another Yoda-looking character in the Jedi Councils in the earlier films, but I need more reassurance than that.)
* If you can use the Force to shoot lightning out of your fingers, why do most Jedis rely on the shorter-distance light saber?
* Why don't Yoda and Obi-Wan go into hiding together? Does Yoda just LIKE swamps that much? Did they have a spat?
* If C-3PO and R2-D2 don't get brainwashed or memory-deleted or something somehow, I'm going to scream. They don't remember knowing Darth Vader when he was a kid in the later movies. I never really bought that whole Anakin-built-3PO thing anyway.
* Most importantly, knowing all we know about how this is all going to end up, can Lucas pull any actual SURPRISES in terms of plotting? I doubt it. But I'm going to go find out anyway.
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